he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
