i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
