shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Randomize
