I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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