I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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