It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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