I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
