mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
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I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
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I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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