She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
