I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
