I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
