Me too!
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
