Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
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