I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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