He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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