I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
