Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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