i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
