none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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