We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
