How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
