so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
