Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
