At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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