i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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