where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
