Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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