I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
