I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
