I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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