By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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