I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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