Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
