So drunk its hurt
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
