fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
