Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
