Whats the glycemic index on semen?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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