I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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