Soap is not a condiment
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
then he tried to convert me to islam
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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