she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
