I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
