Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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