If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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