it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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