yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
