So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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