so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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