Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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