9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
