That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
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I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
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If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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