I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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