dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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