She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
