Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
