ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
