vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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