apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
